Challenge Four: Day Fifty-Three

Breakfast: 9am
1 Peanut Butter Cup Visalus Shake
46oz. Water

Mid-Morning: Nothing.

Lunch: 2pm
1 Peanut Butter Cup Visalus Shake

Mid-Afternoon: 5pm
46oz. Water

Evening: 9pm
1 Chicken Breast (slow-cooked w/Red-Onions, Garlic & BBQ Sauce)
16oz. V8 (Low Sodium, Spicy Hot)
46oz. Water

State of Being:

Tired.

I’ve been confronting a lot of my past, lately… my emotional baggage. As much as I would like to believe that I’m free of it, I’m really not, and I don’t think that I ever will be. Is that right? Is that ok? I don’t know. I think it’s just the way certain things in life are.

Wounds heal, scars don’t.

I truly believe that, on an emotional level, vis-a-vis relationships with people, I’m fundamentally broken. Literally everyone I’ve ever been intimate with has abused me, both severely and repeatedly. Still, to this day, I watch the social interactions of “normal” people, and it’s a complete mystery. I don’t understand all of the subtext and subtlety present in everyday conversation,… things that are so obvious to everyone else. Following a conversation, I won’t figure out even half of what someone was ostensibly *really* talking about, until days later, in retrospect, if ever.

It’s so tiring.

I’m trying very hard to move forward and to not dwell on how long it takes to change. But, real change… does take time. Lots of it.

It troubles me so much, sometimes the way the past can just jump up and slam into my chest, right as I’m starting to think that I’m doing better and finally getting clear of it. It’s the most discouraging thing that consistently happens in my life. It’s like getting a flat-tire, every time you leave the house.

I don’t have a ray of sunshine to end on, today. It’s been a rough one and I guess I’m just kind of stewing.

I’m still moving. I’m still making progress. But, I don’t get to go to bed feeling great every single night. Some nights are like this one.

But, would it really be worth doing, otherwise?

I tell myself,… Look, if you’re thinking you’re not going to have days like these, then… what? Did you just not really believe how deep this hole was? How worthy a battle it was to undertake?

To win at all, is victory. If every day was a blazing triumph,… it wouldn’t be such a worthwhile endeavor.

But, I still don’t understand why my life thus far has been the way it’s been. I hope that one day, I will.

See you tomorrow.

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