Breakfast: 1pm
1 Butterfinger Visalus Shake
Lunch: 5pm
1 Taco Salad (w/o tortillas or shells)
32oz. Water
Dinner: 9pm
1 Oreo Cookies & Cream Visalus Shake
Walk-Count:
State of Being:
Ok,… I mentioned a while back about how things have been really tough lately and that I wasn’t (at the time) ready to talk about it yet. Well,… here it is.
Recently, it was discovered during a surgery for a ruptured appendix, that a member of my immediate family has Stage-4 Cancer.
I don’t want to go into too many specifics or clarify whom exactly I’m talking about, publicly, out of respect for their privacy.
It’s been very tough and I’m still not sure what this is going to mean, long term. The oncologist is optimistic about treatment, but for the time being, things are really tough on my family for a lot of reasons. This cancer, while certainly terrible in its own right, has also indirectly exacerbated some really bad situations that we’ve been dealing with.
Right now, everything is very stressful for everybody.
That is as much as I want to say publicly about the situation itself. While it’s true that I’ve committed to full-transparency in this blog, that transparency really only applies to me. I am willing to strip *my* life fully naked for the purposes of the blog as an outreach to people in similar circumstances and as encouragement for them to reach out to me in return for help and support, should they need it. I want to show people that it's ok to talk about this stuff, and that none of us actually needs to feel as stigmatized as we tend to feel.
That having been said, I have no right nor any desire to render transparent the life of anyone else, so take this or leave it, but that’s all I’m going to say.
Anyway,… how this is pertinent to my weight-loss journey, and the reason I bring it up here at all, is to say that the whole situation has illustrated for me just how much of an addiction my food issues are,… and have been.
I’ve touched on this before. It’s true, I have a condition (Advanced Progressive Insulin Resistance Syndrome) and a cluster of co-morbidities along with it. However, I’ve also mentioned that my weight and health issues are due only in part to said condition. Much,… in fact *most* of my problem is my own habits and behavior. Yeah, I have a condition. But, it’s MY condition and hence MY responsibility to take ownership of it and to manage it.
I’ve made really bad choices and developed really bad habits, where eating is concerned in my life. While the IR certainly packed on a lot of unwanted and apparently un-sheddable pounds during my early teen years, resulting in depression and self-image issues that contributed to my binge eating and unhealthy choices, ultimately they are “choices,” …completely within my power and hence producing results that are completely my responsibility.
I’ve been very faithful to my plan. I’ve been working the Challenge for a few months now, and it had begun to feel like I’ve finally reached altitude and leveled off. It was getting a lot easier.
But, then... having found out about the cancer diagnosis… suddenly, I was hungry. Very, very hungry.
More than that, I kept thinking almost exactly this train of thought…
“Ok,… I’m going to spend the day doing what I have to do to be there for my family, to get what problems I can handle for the time being, handled and then, I’ll settle in this evening with a nice huge meal as my end-of-the-day reward/motivation. That’s how I’ll get through. Knowing that that’s coming will make all the pain I have to slog through to get there, worth it.”
This train of thought has pervaded my waking hours every single day for the last couple weeks. It’s in my head, even now as I sit here typing this.
And it’s very tempting.
I’m not really sure why I’m not doing it. I feel very much like I owe it to myself.
I know that’s not true, but right now, I can’t see what the truth is anymore. I feel blind.
So, I’m standing still. I’m not giving-in to the temptation, but I’m not really doing anything else either. I’m just kind of,… stuck. Again. Like I was for years.
In addition to this, I’m almost certain that I’ve hit that plateau I was talking about in my Day-90 Weigh-In video. I don’t feel like I’ve been losing weight.
Plateaus happen. Eventually, they end. But, for right now I just feel completely dead in the water, and all this stress and pain and uncertainty is giving me the impression that the boat hasn’t just stopped,… but that it is slowly sinking.
I’m trying not to dwell. I really am.
But, this temptation to use food as a coping mechanism isn’t just present, it’s desperate. It’s not a nudge, it’s a shove. Not a whisper, a scream.
During my first challenge, there were days when I felt like I had a choice, I could either A) Stay on the diet. Or B) Focus on running my business. But, I just didn’t have the inner resources to do both. Staying true to the diet would require every last ounce of strength and focus I had. When that happened,… I chose the diet, I chose the Challenge. Every time.
Now, however… (and not just on ‘certain days’ but EVERY day,) I feel like it’s a choice between staying on the diet or being there for my family. Unlike last time,… this choice, isn’t a choice. Family is everything to me.
So far, I’ve been mostly ok. Yesterday, I slipped a lot. I’m worried that this represents the first big crack in a dam that’s about to come crashing down.
I can’t explain why it hasn’t happened yet. It really feels like it should have. I have no idea what is keeping me together and focused. I really don’t.
I don't want to fail. Even the idea of it is heartbreaking to me. But, I'm really starting to feel like it may not be up to me anymore.
See you tomorrow.
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Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry! That is such a difficult and frightening thing for everyone involved... it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed! :(
ReplyDeleteI can't do a darned thing to help your family, but I thought I'd give you an outsider's take on what you've said here... maybe it will help give you some fresh perspective.
Since family is the MOST important thing to you, it might help to remind yourself that YOU are PART of that family. You can't tell yourself that their health is more important than yours. YOU might think it is, but the rest of your family won't see it that way. I understand that, if you could, you might even trade your health for theirs... but you can't. So hurting yourself won't help them a bit.
It seems like a couple paradigm shifts need to happen to help get you through this.
One is that taking care of yourself is NOT selfish. It seems like you are thinking that you would be taking care of yourself "instead" of your family, but the TRUTH is that we take care of ourselves (our minds and our bodies) SO THAT WE CAN TAKE CARE OF OTHERS.. If you are not at your best, you can't give the people you care about your best. You've touched on this before, so this is nothing new... but it seems like you needed a reminder.
Another change to consider: You know that food is not an appropriate coping mechanism. You've discovered that eating unhealthy food actually makes you feel *worse* rather than better. However, if you are going to beat this addiction, you need to find some HEALTHFUL coping mechanisms to replace it with.
You can't just go on without finding a way to deal with stress and think that you won't be tempted to go back to your old ways. You are dealing with several incredibly difficult situations. You've given up your old (unhealthy, unhelpful) way of dealing with it... but haven't replaced it with something else... maybe if you had another option to try, it'd be easier not to turn to food again.
Exercise is a good one, but it sounds like that's too much of a strain for you right now. Perhaps meditation? Or, if you're already too frazzled to concentrate on that, maybe seeing an addictions counselor would help. I know you've seen more doctors than you care to think about, but since you've just identified addiction as a big part of your problem, someone who is familiar with treating that might do more for you than all the others combined. At least they'd be treating the right problem!
And finally... remember that slipping up is NOT failure. If you eat something you shouldn't or consume more than you should, just stop as soon as you are able to get enough control. Don't tell yourself that the day is shot and you'll start again tomorrow... and don't beat yourself up over it so that you feel even worse than you already do. Just stop what you're doing, throw it away so it won't tempt you anymore, and pick up where you left off with your Challenge. A moment of weakness doesn't have to mean a disaster.
Imagine someone climbing a rope. Maybe they lose their grip and slip a few inches. It's frustrating but not too hard to make up. Maybe they drop a couple of feet. It's a little harder to get back on track, but not in comparison to the progress they've already made. It's certainly no reason to just let go and slide all the way back to the beginning!
I don't know if any of that will help, but I thought it'd be worth a shot. I'm not pretending to know anything about what you're going through... these are just my thoughts based on what you said here... just another perspective. Take Care!