Breakfast: Nothing.
Mid-Morning: Nothing.
Lunch: 2pm
2 Chicken Thighs (w/BBQ Sauce)
1 Cup Roasted Asparagus
2 Cans Diet Coke
Mid-Afternoon: 5pm
1 Bowl of Doritos
4 Gummy Bears
1 Can of Coke
Evening: 11pm
1 Slice of Chocolate Cake
1 Can of Grape Soda
State of Being:
So, I haven’t been keeping up with either my diet or my food journal this week.
I’ve filled in the last four days from what I can remember. I apologize for dropping the ball so bad.
My father’s cancer, which we were initially told was a very slow-growing cancer, was very treatable and that, worst case scenario… he had several years left,… well, it turns out, it’s actually a very rare form of rapidly growing cancer and he has a matter of weeks left.
He’s at home now, and we’re just trying to make him as comfortable as possible, while spending as much time with him as we can. Meanwhile, he can’t eat anything (the cancer is in his small bowel and if he eats anything he’ll get blocked and that will be it. It will be over. He’s allowed to drink (slowly) and to munch ice-chips (slowly).
He’s lost a bunch of weight and he’s very weak and tired, most of the time.
Anyway, I’ve been spending most of my time over there this week, doing what I can to help out with everything. It’s been a good week and a bad week. Kind of a roller coaster.
Dad bought Mason one of those really cool power-wheels trucks as an early birthday gift. Mason’s fourth birthday is in December, but it’s very unlikely that Dad will still be around by then, so he wanted to do something for him.
My brother’s birthday was on the 12th, this past Wednesday, so we celebrated that, too.
I’m trying to be as strong as I can for my family, but it gets rough. Every time I leave to come back home for a while, I wonder if I’ve just seen my Dad for the last time and it’s like I’m holding my breath, hoping not to get that phone call, until I can get back over there.
I’ve ended up staying the night over there a few times this week. I stay up all night, so Mom can get some sleep and there’ll still be someone to help Dad if he needs it.
It’s rough staying up all night with all this stuff going on, so I usually end up eating sugar and drinking caffeine every couple hours to keep from conking out. What you see in my hastily filled-in food logs from the last several days is not complete. I can’t remember everything I ate over the course of those three nights. There was a lot and none of it was good. Leftover birthday cake, coffee with sugar, regular Coke and energy drinks were pretty much the sum of the menu and it was at least three or four little meals every night just to keep a sugar/caffeine-buzz going.
I’m trying. I really am. But, I’ve been way off my diet this week, and I honestly couldn’t care less about that right now. I’m just so sad and angry and tired. I’m coping as best as I can with the idea of losing my Dad. But, I know that when it actually happens it’ll be worse than I can imagine right now.
Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make a much stronger effort to stay ahead of my diet and keep to it. It’s really hard right now, but I need to get back on the horse.
I’m going to get some sleep.
See you tomorrow.
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