Breakfast: 9am
1 Chocolate-Covered Strawberry-Phyto-Power Visalus Shake
Mid-Morning: Nothing.
Lunch: 12noon
1 Triple (w/Cheese, No Bun, from Wendy’s)
2 Caesar Side Salads (Wendy’s)
Lg. Diet Coke
Mid-Afternoon: Nothing.
Evening: 9pm
Taco Salad Leftovers
24oz. Diet Rite
State of Being:
Imagine a person who’s had something stuck on them, all their life. They’ve learned to accommodate the thing. The way they step through a doorway is coordinated to account for the bulk and heft of the thing. When they sit down, they make sure that they sit just right, to make room for the thing, etc.
Getting that thing taken off, even if it were slowly whittled away over time, would likely grant this person tremendous relief, right?
Of course it would.
This analogy is obviously about weight-loss. It’s a very heavy-handed, curt and clumsy analogy. Subtle as a chainsaw.
So, why am I bothering to make it, since it’s so damned obvious?
There is something else,… in fact there are *several* something elses that go along with that situation, and they’re not so easy to notice. In fact, I think they’re really only noticeable to the person going through the relief and change that we typically associate with weight-loss. To those looking in from outside, (seeing Before & After pics, for example,) these other factors are all but invisible and may as well not exist, but they are the very reason that so many people fail in this endeavor. The fact that they don't see it coming, since... until you've started, all you know is the obvious, unsubtle stuff like in the above analogy,... only makes it more likely to bring about your failure.
As I get lighter, I notice a great many things changing. It’s generally easier for me to get around, but I’m also noticing new types of pain. As my body changes its shape and dimensions, there are muscles and sinews that are suddenly doing work in whole new ways, since the weight rides on my frame so differently. Joints are receiving pressure from all new angles, etc. For the most part, these new pains and strains are mild and I know that they will pass as I continue to make progress and my body adapts.
But, there’s something else. Something you really can’t see from outside and I have found that it’s a very dangerous and insidious threat to your progress. So, I'm sharing it with you now, in order to prepare those who've yet to embark on their own transformation journeys, and to offer the comfort of knowing you're not alone, to those who have.
There’s something, definitely and without-doubt missing,… and I’m not talking about the burned-off fat, here.
The feeling of having starch, sugar, etc., in your bloodstream, in your muscles, in your brain… it’s gone, and everything in your unconscious mind will SCREAM at you that this is BAD.
To share my own experience;... at times my teeth grind, my vision blurs, my thinking fogs up, ...a whole slew of symptoms.
It’s withdrawal. It’s withdrawal and it’s still happening, more than SEVEN MONTHS into my journey.
For the time being, all those wonderful feelings of being more mobile and having more energy come with additional price-tags stapled onto the bottom of the one that says “Stay faithful to your diet.”
Imagine you’d worn leather pants and shirts all your life. Never anything else. Then one day, the leather was taken away and you wore nothing but lightweight cotton. Yes, you would feel a lot more mobile. You’d feel light and flexible and free. But, at the same time… there would be an aspect to it that would feel, kind of… alien,… don’t you think?
Fat, sluggish and carbo-loaded is all I’ve known since before I’d even entered puberty. Now that I’ve reached a point where that’s really, significantly melted away… the lighter, more mobile feeling is accompanied by this kind of sensory-overload. The internal, cushiony carb-blooded fuzziness-of-mind-and-body is missing and sometimes the absence of it feels very stark and uncomfortable.
I know what you might be thinking; "But, that 'carbed-up' feeling isn't natural. You've rid yourself of an unnatural and unhealthy feeling and exposed yourself to the way it's supposed to be."
Try telling that to a feral child who's going through the process of learning to walk upright, instead of on all-fours like the canines that raised him. See if that bit of knowledge will stop his back from cramping, his discs from slipping and his balance from waivering and throwing him onto his back over and over again. See if it alleviates the concussions and the displaced muscles.
Just because you're right, doesn't mean it's any help. It's only that simple on paper. Living it is different and if you're planning on transforming yourself, you need to know this, going in, lest you try to pull your new crown snugly onto your brow and command the tide not to come in.
I'm not defending something unhealthy, nor am I attacking the idea of a healthy lifestyle change. I'm attacking the idea that the intellectual knowledge of what's healthy and what's not will help you confront the reality of the feeling about as well as a knife will serve you in a gunfight. Forewarned is forearmed.
I remember reading Stephen King’s “On Writing.” In it, he talks about his problems with alcoholism over the years. He says that, even to this day, when he’s in a restaurant or a bar or even at a party or social gathering, when he sees someone with an unfinished drink, there’s a massive urge in him to get up, stomp over to the person, jab a finger in their face and say; “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Finish that drink! Right now! Finish it!”
It’s not as if he feels teased by people drinking around him. Not at all. It’s just that there’s something in his mind that cannot accept the idea of someone having immediate access to alcohol and NOT drinking it all down as fast as they can. He knows that it’s wrongheaded.
It’s an impulse that he controls, but that he’s never been able to fully rid himself of.
I can relate to this.
There’s a very burning and pressing need in me to consume vast quantities of salt, starch and sugar. Knowing that it’s out there, that I can get to it, and that I can acquire it easily creates this weird, unreal feeling. The fact that it’s there and I can get it,… but, I’m not doing so, feels utterly and completely wrong. It’s totally at odds with what my brain expects from reality.
What if you stepped out of bed in the morning and, instead of feeling your carpet, or pergo, or whatever the floor is like next to your bed,… your foot came down onto a bed of writhing snakes? What would your mind feel? Confusion? Revulsion? Shock?
What if everyone around you were cheering you on, saying; "Yeah, Christopher! Way to go, man! Walk on those snakes just like a normal, healthy person! You're doing it, bro! You're totally doing it!"
Yeah. Every time I cruise past a McDonald’s without pulling in,... snakes all over the floor, and I force a smile while putting one foot in front of the other.
I hope that one day, this blood-chemistry static will fade and all that will be left is the awesome stuff I feel both physically and mentally. I more than hope,... I have faith that it will happen.
But, for now all of this, every day… has a very alien aspect in addition to all the good stuff, (which is also considerable, and is, in the final analysis, the lion’s share of my experience, don’t get me wrong.)
I wanted to share this with you guys, and I'll have a lot more to say about it in my next entry.
See you tomorrow.
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